burning without a flame

who have I become
she asks herself each day
someone so undone
her thoughts scare them away

she has to keep on going
she's got no choice of giving in
she has to keep on fighting
she's gotta fight life just to live

and winning means nothing
because life isn't a game
she tries so hard to manage
she's burning without a flame

maybe it's inside her
buried somewhere deep
but she has yet to find it
she has yet to find it

she asked no one to help her
screams at atoms in the air
she cries out loud to no one
to a breeze that isn't there

she knows she only has farther
so much farther to go
but if nothing really matters
Tell me what's worth fighting for?

and winning means nothing

because life isn't a game

she tries so hard to manage

she's burning without a flame

and she swears that she's on fire
she'll whisper it in your ear
but you just look at her like sideways
cause it's nothing you can see
sooner or later you'll find out
that it wasn't all a lie
that she was telling the truth
she was burning from the inside
that's why you couldn't see it
though it was right in front of your eyes it was your choice not to look though
too bad it was after she died 

maybe it's inside her

buried somewhere deep

But she has yet to find it

Yeah she has yet to find it

Just a Poem, 1

Walking through hot coals

Feet barely listening to nerves crisping

All smoke filled

It's that kind of a life

that kind of a day

not sure anymore

I need the key and the code 

to better days and better states of mind

At least I have them to the better ways

but I still don't choose to use them

And I know it's all my fault that everything is salt

and desiccated and dry

a swatted fly's body on the concrete

cooking in the hot sun

fry an egg on my car hood

I won't know because I'm not here or there anymore

did you hear that I am not here anymore?

I might be in the newspaper

way in the back section

maybe I'll be there someday

someday soon I hope

I know, I know, I know

Everything burns and turns into ashes

everybody burns

walking through hot coals

Going through it, Part 1

FROM 05/12/2015

Right now I feel desolate. Emotionally barren.  I do not want to reach out to the people closest to me because I do not want to burden them.  In my head hateful thoughts abound.  I silently lash out at my loved ones. I convince myself that the only reason they care about me is for their own benefit. That I really mean nothing to them in the long run.  They will all get over it (my suicide) in the end. Maybe it will haunt them for a while, but ultimately, they will find other friends and other people and happiness that will obscure any sign that I existed.  I will be a faded memory, only in photographs, and eventually those will all rot and disappear, just like me.  I feel irrelevant and angry at myself for being so down. For wasting my life and my time. It is that anger that fuels the suicidal thoughts.  I cannot let myself just breath and accept that I'm going through a rough period.  It all feels so hopeless right now.

For the past two weeks I have stayed up almost every night until 1-2 AM  facebook and instagram stalking my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends.  He likes their photos and I feel crushed. I convince myself he is settling with me, and would be much happier with the girl he once fucked who is an applied physics graduate student and is in a band and takes care of her appearance.  So what if she is vain and shallow and posts selfies on instagram every 5 minutes? Isn't that what he wants? Someone who worships him and themselves so they can enjoy showing the world how awesome they are? Isn't that what he really wants in the end? Accolades so he can feel good about himself? Is there anything more to him liking me other than I do things that are perceived as cool (rock climbing) I'm not completely foul looking, I'm a source of physical pleasure (although lately I'm not convinced that even that is true) I listen to him and like him, and that I am a body to warm his bed at night and arm candy? Does he just like ugly older girls? (well, except for _________. She's blonde haired and blue eyed and the perfect Aryan specimen. Woohoo.)

I feel raw. I want him to come rescue me, but I don't think he is equipped to handle this shit. So I ignore him. I don't want to admit I am mired in the deep end feeling like I have no life line to pull myself out. I feel completely and utterly alone, even though I know I am not. I am choosing to be, and it is not working.

Well there goes my lunch break. I was going to apply for jobs but I decided to write instead. Don't know if that was a smart decision, but I did it. Now it's off to the rat races again. I feel like a rat. A dirty, mangy, unloved rat.  I hate myself right now, and I am having a hard time convincing myself otherwise. It's a spiral and it's hard to get out of.  I have to go. Appear useful.I know I need to try, but I have no will power to.

I Fired Myself Today

05/11/2015

Today I quit my job. 

Well, I gave my notice, I guess that's different. I don't have another one lined up.  Call me crazy, but I feel like I have never done a saner thing in my life. I cannot count the number of times (I'm not being histrionic, now, I really cannot give you a number- it might be under 100...maybe?)  that I thought to myself, 

"I am so profoundly  unhappy."  

That's not good.

I knew in the interview that this job wasn't for me,  but I hadn't been working for months and I wanted to feel productive again.  Tried as I might, I never could get into the subject matter. I am a worker that loves challenges. Projects with measurable outcomes.  There I felt desolate, emotionally barren. Everyday was a struggle. I hated myself for not being happy with what I had.  I wasn't moving forward, and I felt suffocated.  My anxiety grew to the point that I felt it physically.

I was a car whose tires had no tread, slipping day after day off the road into the ditch. 

I decided to jack the motherfucker.

So, I officially give up.  Future employers reading this and deciding they don't want a whole, good but flawed human being?  Fuck it.  Saving Face? Nah, I'm good.  I'm done trying to convey this public persona of strong-awesome-sexy-successful-twenty-something nubile genious over achiever.  I'm fucking none of those things. Not all at once at least. No one is.

We are all broken. 

We are all fucked up. 

And we are all that much more beautiful for it. 

Why? Because it makes us human.

I need to be myself.  I am not a drone.  I need to be engaged.

I am waving the white flag, and I do not feel sad.

Sometimes, fuck it is the most enlightened response (I read a version of that on my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends Instagram...things have been weird lately.)

Lately there's been a lot of shit swirling through my mind.  I had thoughts of suicide today. No joke.

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I recently got the Paraguard, and my body is NOT liking it.

I'm pretty sure that my uterus has convinced my brain that I am permanently menstruating.  This means that I've not only been feeling like a scene from "Alien" is taking place everyday in the lower half of my body, and I have been feeling extremely moody and anxious as of late. It does not feel good.

*I did have a terrible co-worker though, whose mission it was to aggravate and depress me.  This person LITERALLY would not speak to me. Eve about work matters. It was insane.  I was so pissed that at my age, I still had to deal with this 6th grade pre-pubescent ridiculous bullshit. I will never deny this, propriety be damned. If there is anything I have learned thus far, it's that the only way to win is to be courageous enough to be yourself.  _ _ _ _ _ _, YOU SUCK.  You know who you are, you fire-eating snake demon. I do not regret leaving you, nor your terrible demeanor.  Thank you for not following me out the door when I leave you and your misery.