I Fired Myself Today

05/11/2015

Today I quit my job. 

Well, I gave my notice, I guess that's different. I don't have another one lined up.  Call me crazy, but I feel like I have never done a saner thing in my life. I cannot count the number of times (I'm not being histrionic, now, I really cannot give you a number- it might be under 100...maybe?)  that I thought to myself, 

"I am so profoundly  unhappy."  

That's not good.

I knew in the interview that this job wasn't for me,  but I hadn't been working for months and I wanted to feel productive again.  Tried as I might, I never could get into the subject matter. I am a worker that loves challenges. Projects with measurable outcomes.  There I felt desolate, emotionally barren. Everyday was a struggle. I hated myself for not being happy with what I had.  I wasn't moving forward, and I felt suffocated.  My anxiety grew to the point that I felt it physically.

I was a car whose tires had no tread, slipping day after day off the road into the ditch. 

I decided to jack the motherfucker.

So, I officially give up.  Future employers reading this and deciding they don't want a whole, good but flawed human being?  Fuck it.  Saving Face? Nah, I'm good.  I'm done trying to convey this public persona of strong-awesome-sexy-successful-twenty-something nubile genious over achiever.  I'm fucking none of those things. Not all at once at least. No one is.

We are all broken. 

We are all fucked up. 

And we are all that much more beautiful for it. 

Why? Because it makes us human.

I need to be myself.  I am not a drone.  I need to be engaged.

I am waving the white flag, and I do not feel sad.

Sometimes, fuck it is the most enlightened response (I read a version of that on my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends Instagram...things have been weird lately.)

Lately there's been a lot of shit swirling through my mind.  I had thoughts of suicide today. No joke.

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I recently got the Paraguard, and my body is NOT liking it.

I'm pretty sure that my uterus has convinced my brain that I am permanently menstruating.  This means that I've not only been feeling like a scene from "Alien" is taking place everyday in the lower half of my body, and I have been feeling extremely moody and anxious as of late. It does not feel good.

*I did have a terrible co-worker though, whose mission it was to aggravate and depress me.  This person LITERALLY would not speak to me. Eve about work matters. It was insane.  I was so pissed that at my age, I still had to deal with this 6th grade pre-pubescent ridiculous bullshit. I will never deny this, propriety be damned. If there is anything I have learned thus far, it's that the only way to win is to be courageous enough to be yourself.  _ _ _ _ _ _, YOU SUCK.  You know who you are, you fire-eating snake demon. I do not regret leaving you, nor your terrible demeanor.  Thank you for not following me out the door when I leave you and your misery.