Right now I feel desolate. Emotionally barren. I do not want to reach out to the people closest to me because I do not want to burden them. In my head hateful thoughts abound. I silently lash out at my loved ones. I convince myself that the only reason they care about me is for their own benefit. That I really mean nothing to them in the long run. They will all get over it (my suicide) in the end. Maybe it will haunt them for a while, but ultimately, they will find other friends and other people and happiness that will obscure any sign that I existed. I will be a faded memory, only in photographs, and eventually those will all rot and disappear, just like me. I feel irrelevant and angry at myself for being so down. For wasting my life and my time. It is that anger that fuels the suicidal thoughts. I cannot let myself just breath and accept that I'm going through a rough period. It all feels so hopeless right now.
For the past two weeks I have stayed up almost every night until 1-2 AM facebook and instagram stalking my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends. He likes their photos and I feel crushed. I convince myself he is settling with me, and would be much happier with the girl he once fucked who is an applied physics graduate student and is in a band and takes care of her appearance. So what if she is vain and shallow and posts selfies on instagram every 5 minutes? Isn't that what he wants? Someone who worships him and themselves so they can enjoy showing the world how awesome they are? Isn't that what he really wants in the end? Accolades so he can feel good about himself? Is there anything more to him liking me other than I do things that are perceived as cool (rock climbing) I'm not completely foul looking, I'm a source of physical pleasure (although lately I'm not convinced that even that is true) I listen to him and like him, and that I am a body to warm his bed at night and arm candy? Does he just like ugly older girls? (well, except for _________. She's blonde haired and blue eyed and the perfect Aryan specimen. Woohoo.)
I feel raw. I want him to come rescue me, but I don't think he is equipped to handle this shit. So I ignore him. I don't want to admit I am mired in the deep end feeling like I have no life line to pull myself out. I feel completely and utterly alone, even though I know I am not. I am choosing to be, and it is not working.
Well there goes my lunch break. I was going to apply for jobs but I decided to write instead. Don't know if that was a smart decision, but I did it. Now it's off to the rat races again. I feel like a rat. A dirty, mangy, unloved rat. I hate myself right now, and I am having a hard time convincing myself otherwise. It's a spiral and it's hard to get out of. I have to go. Appear useful.I know I need to try, but I have no will power to.
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