Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Translucency
Nobody knows what I'm going through right now and it's hilarious. They all think that I'm fine while meanwhile I'm goading myself to committee suicide, trying to starve myself and cutting. Woe is me, right? Wrong. I'm the one doing this to myself and I know what I'm doing. So onward ho with the self destruction. I'm ready for it. Mmm MLK can't wait to see myself waste away.
A few almonds, maybe.
I've decided to stop eating so much since I'm over weight. I feel and see it on my body and I absoltuely hate it so I'm changing my ways.
I'm going to restrict my calories intake to 800/ day so I can loose 20 pounds this month. I'm also trying to only consume my calories through liquids, though I may have to eat an egg and some almonds during the day so I don't crash.
Wish me luck!
I'm going to restrict my calories intake to 800/ day so I can loose 20 pounds this month. I'm also trying to only consume my calories through liquids, though I may have to eat an egg and some almonds during the day so I don't crash.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
meats
today I cried to my dogs
on the floor of my kitchen
alone
and I also sliced some meat
but not in that particular order
and also
I'm driving
and I don't care what happens to me.
Waste
My heart is broken.
I feel like I have no friends.
Right now the substance in my life is gone.
I'm grasping at the air trying to find it.
Trying to get back to it again.
That's it.
It's over, it feels like.
I'm lost,
And I don't know where to go.
I feel like I have no friends.
Right now the substance in my life is gone.
I'm grasping at the air trying to find it.
Trying to get back to it again.
That's it.
It's over, it feels like.
I'm lost,
And I don't know where to go.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
sending all my love
I hate you two.
I hate you both individually, and together.
I hate your past and history.
I hate the secrets you keep from me.
I hate the exclusion you, girl, put on me.
I hate that she took him to our places with the things I gave him.
You sly wily bitch.
Trying to sneak up on and into our secret spots that I will never be able to reach again.
When is enough enough?
You have and have always had him
Even when we called each other mine
Why should you have respect for the sacredness of love and trust when it doesn't serve you?
Your answer is none
Sleep in a bed with him right next to me and show me who is boss
You are boss of no one but your own pathetic stabs at control.
Way to go.
Gold metal to you my friend
You've won at killing my happiness
Thanks for that
Don't give me any pity please
All I wanted was your kindness but you had none to spare, other plans in mind.
A foe with honor would have at least warned their prey of their intentions
Do you have any of that?
I know and have always known there are things about you and him
that you have never and will never tell me
Do you realize what a horrible feeling it is to know you are in the dark
and your "friend" holds the key to the light
but won't give it to you?
You may not understand this,
But the unknown always is worse than the known
(don't you know this?)
But you don't know
And you don't care
Because it doesn't serve you
A very warm fuck you to you too then.
Torturing me with words and images of things I will never do.
Fuck you.
Fuck you girl for breaking both my hearts
One for him and one for you.
You're such a bastard, but no one ever tells you about it.
Everyone just keeps blowing gold smoke up your ass
I think you think you are the best
And have internalized all the praise to believe all the hype
that you are above the laws of love and good conscience.
So with all my heart I wish you a very warm and full fuck you for the pain you are causing
and continue to cause both of my hearts.
One for him which you destroyed from the beginning by sowing the poisonous seeds of jealousy you never tried to dispel with comforting words
Instead obscurity was your game
I bet you were hoping for it to end
all along
congratulations then
You won at homewrecking
And for my other heart
The one for you which I held most dear
Now you are sand,
Blowing in the wind
Grains that will never come back and cannot be resown
You threw me so casually away
I was surprised it was so easy for you given all we've been through
And that I've given to you
But I shouldn't have been
given your history of dropping people like flies when they no longer serve your entertainment
When are you truly there for others when they are not at their best?
I'll tell you though I know you won't listen
You are in the wind
You leave broken people high and dry
The love you once gave so freely was actually completely conditional
Thank you for showing me what true friendship isn't like
You knew I was broken
I apologized for being that way
I swore to give you all I could
to be better and I honored my word
But that means nothing to you
Because again, what and who doesn't serve you, no matter how much they once did for you and want to.mend things are useless
And useless isn't your thing
Of course you get what you don't deserve
Happiness and light and love all the time, regardless of how sad everyone else feels
You dole out addictive attention
like giving candy to babies
And you wonder why they cry when you take it away?
You cheat the system of karma on a daily basis
But always escape what is your due
I hope someday it will find you
And you will know the experience
Of a broken heart
what it feels like to be dropped,
like you have done me
Thanks for the torture, friend.
Thank you for breaking my heart time and time again
A feat for sure from the pieces it already lays in.
My deepest, warmest sentiments
of fuck you,
my dearest "friend".
I hate you both individually, and together.
I hate your past and history.
I hate the secrets you keep from me.
I hate the exclusion you, girl, put on me.
I hate that she took him to our places with the things I gave him.
You sly wily bitch.
Trying to sneak up on and into our secret spots that I will never be able to reach again.
When is enough enough?
You have and have always had him
Even when we called each other mine
Why should you have respect for the sacredness of love and trust when it doesn't serve you?
Your answer is none
Sleep in a bed with him right next to me and show me who is boss
You are boss of no one but your own pathetic stabs at control.
Way to go.
Gold metal to you my friend
You've won at killing my happiness
Thanks for that
Don't give me any pity please
All I wanted was your kindness but you had none to spare, other plans in mind.
A foe with honor would have at least warned their prey of their intentions
Do you have any of that?
I know and have always known there are things about you and him
that you have never and will never tell me
Do you realize what a horrible feeling it is to know you are in the dark
and your "friend" holds the key to the light
but won't give it to you?
You may not understand this,
But the unknown always is worse than the known
(don't you know this?)
But you don't know
And you don't care
Because it doesn't serve you
A very warm fuck you to you too then.
Torturing me with words and images of things I will never do.
Fuck you.
Fuck you girl for breaking both my hearts
One for him and one for you.
You're such a bastard, but no one ever tells you about it.
Everyone just keeps blowing gold smoke up your ass
I think you think you are the best
And have internalized all the praise to believe all the hype
that you are above the laws of love and good conscience.
So with all my heart I wish you a very warm and full fuck you for the pain you are causing
and continue to cause both of my hearts.
One for him which you destroyed from the beginning by sowing the poisonous seeds of jealousy you never tried to dispel with comforting words
Instead obscurity was your game
I bet you were hoping for it to end
all along
congratulations then
You won at homewrecking
And for my other heart
The one for you which I held most dear
Now you are sand,
Blowing in the wind
Grains that will never come back and cannot be resown
You threw me so casually away
I was surprised it was so easy for you given all we've been through
And that I've given to you
But I shouldn't have been
given your history of dropping people like flies when they no longer serve your entertainment
When are you truly there for others when they are not at their best?
I'll tell you though I know you won't listen
You are in the wind
You leave broken people high and dry
The love you once gave so freely was actually completely conditional
Thank you for showing me what true friendship isn't like
You knew I was broken
I apologized for being that way
I swore to give you all I could
to be better and I honored my word
But that means nothing to you
Because again, what and who doesn't serve you, no matter how much they once did for you and want to.mend things are useless
And useless isn't your thing
Of course you get what you don't deserve
Happiness and light and love all the time, regardless of how sad everyone else feels
You dole out addictive attention
like giving candy to babies
And you wonder why they cry when you take it away?
You cheat the system of karma on a daily basis
But always escape what is your due
I hope someday it will find you
And you will know the experience
Of a broken heart
what it feels like to be dropped,
like you have done me
Thanks for the torture, friend.
Thank you for breaking my heart time and time again
A feat for sure from the pieces it already lays in.
My deepest, warmest sentiments
of fuck you,
my dearest "friend".
Monday, August 31, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Jack or Jill
Jack or Jill went up the hill
But no one was sure who it was
And when they were done
They commenced to fuck
Like every other idiot does
Jack and Jill went way downhill
Because they couldn't jusy make it work
And it's not because she didn't love him
It's becausse he behaved like a
Fucking jerk.
So Jack and Jill went their separate ways
Never to see the other again
Haha, just kidding
But seriously, no one is winning
With these two playing
Their goddamn fucking love games.
But no one was sure who it was
And when they were done
They commenced to fuck
Like every other idiot does
Jack and Jill went way downhill
Because they couldn't jusy make it work
And it's not because she didn't love him
It's becausse he behaved like a
Fucking jerk.
So Jack and Jill went their separate ways
Never to see the other again
Haha, just kidding
But seriously, no one is winning
With these two playing
Their goddamn fucking love games.
10 to one he won't come tonight.
10 to one.
I've often felt myself wondering if life is just one big joke. Call that my depression talking, but sitting here outside of a music venue, going to see a band by myself, smoking the shittily rolled cirgarettes I just can't seem to find the technique to do properly, having just consumed a mediocre salad and fries I paid 19 dollars for, leaves me asking myself what the fuck am I doing here.
I have a good job. By all objective standards, I have a good life. But I still feel alone. Completely and utterly alone.
When someone you considered a very good friend flies in from California and asks you at the very last second to lunch which suspiciously seems like a pity hangout, you feel alone.
When you find out she has been getting blackout drunk with your ex but didn't want to invite you to come hang (and is it really just because they've been friends longer than you and it would have been awkward if you three, who have had a weird menage esque relationship but not really at all, but you were just very suspicious because it seems like she is jealous because she once had feelings for him) you feel utterly alone.
When your ex-boyfriend only wants to hang out with you because he has nothing better to do, but still can't decide or have the courtesy to tell you he can't decide whether or not he wants to hang out with you, these selfish acts make you feel utterly alone.
When you still want to see him anyway, you feel utterly alone. AND pathetic.
When you call people in an attempt to make some connection but no one calls you back, you feel utterly alone.
When you're co-worker is too busy chatting up girls and trying to get laid to talk to you, you feel alone.
And when the only people you have conversations with on a regular basis are your parents, guess what.
You feel utterly alone.
When you just want someone you get along with who isn't them to talk to you, you feel utterly alone.
I feel utterly alone.
I try to recognize that this is all temporarily, that feelings are temporary, that I am temporary. But it just doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes, it feels like nothig does.
Or ever will.
I hope you, imaginary reader, can relate. I hope you understand how it feels and can somehow telepathically communicate to me that I am not alone. That I shouldn't worry about whether or not he comes here and wants to see me, because I'm too good for him anyways. I hope you, someone out there in the stratosphere, can send me love from wherever you are, because right now I really need it, and helps me realize that despite my current circumstances, I am not, nor ever will be, utterly alone. At least I hope I'm not.
10 to one.
I've often felt myself wondering if life is just one big joke. Call that my depression talking, but sitting here outside of a music venue, going to see a band by myself, smoking the shittily rolled cirgarettes I just can't seem to find the technique to do properly, having just consumed a mediocre salad and fries I paid 19 dollars for, leaves me asking myself what the fuck am I doing here.
I have a good job. By all objective standards, I have a good life. But I still feel alone. Completely and utterly alone.
When someone you considered a very good friend flies in from California and asks you at the very last second to lunch which suspiciously seems like a pity hangout, you feel alone.
When you find out she has been getting blackout drunk with your ex but didn't want to invite you to come hang (and is it really just because they've been friends longer than you and it would have been awkward if you three, who have had a weird menage esque relationship but not really at all, but you were just very suspicious because it seems like she is jealous because she once had feelings for him) you feel utterly alone.
When your ex-boyfriend only wants to hang out with you because he has nothing better to do, but still can't decide or have the courtesy to tell you he can't decide whether or not he wants to hang out with you, these selfish acts make you feel utterly alone.
When you still want to see him anyway, you feel utterly alone. AND pathetic.
When you call people in an attempt to make some connection but no one calls you back, you feel utterly alone.
When you're co-worker is too busy chatting up girls and trying to get laid to talk to you, you feel alone.
And when the only people you have conversations with on a regular basis are your parents, guess what.
You feel utterly alone.
When you just want someone you get along with who isn't them to talk to you, you feel utterly alone.
I feel utterly alone.
I try to recognize that this is all temporarily, that feelings are temporary, that I am temporary. But it just doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes, it feels like nothig does.
Or ever will.
I hope you, imaginary reader, can relate. I hope you understand how it feels and can somehow telepathically communicate to me that I am not alone. That I shouldn't worry about whether or not he comes here and wants to see me, because I'm too good for him anyways. I hope you, someone out there in the stratosphere, can send me love from wherever you are, because right now I really need it, and helps me realize that despite my current circumstances, I am not, nor ever will be, utterly alone. At least I hope I'm not.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
burning without a flame
who have I become
she asks herself each day
someone so undone
her thoughts scare them away
she has to keep on going
she's got no choice of giving in
she has to keep on fighting
she's gotta fight life just to live
and winning means nothing
because life isn't a game
she tries so hard to manage
she's burning without a flame
maybe it's inside her
buried somewhere deep
but she has yet to find it
she has yet to find it
she asked no one to help her
screams at atoms in the air
she cries out loud to no one
to a breeze that isn't there
she knows she only has farther
so much farther to go
but if nothing really matters
Tell me what's worth fighting for?
she asks herself each day
someone so undone
her thoughts scare them away
she has to keep on going
she's got no choice of giving in
she has to keep on fighting
she's gotta fight life just to live
and winning means nothing
because life isn't a game
she tries so hard to manage
she's burning without a flame
maybe it's inside her
buried somewhere deep
but she has yet to find it
she has yet to find it
she asked no one to help her
screams at atoms in the air
she cries out loud to no one
to a breeze that isn't there
she knows she only has farther
so much farther to go
but if nothing really matters
Tell me what's worth fighting for?
and winning means nothing
because life isn't a game
she tries so hard to manage
she's burning without a flame
and she swears that she's on fire
she'll whisper it in your ear
but you just look at her like sideways
cause it's nothing you can see
sooner or later you'll find out
that it wasn't all a lie
that she was telling the truth
she was burning from the inside
that's why you couldn't see it
though it was right in front of your eyes it was your choice not to look though
too bad it was after she died
and she swears that she's on fire
she'll whisper it in your ear
but you just look at her like sideways
cause it's nothing you can see
sooner or later you'll find out
that it wasn't all a lie
that she was telling the truth
she was burning from the inside
that's why you couldn't see it
though it was right in front of your eyes it was your choice not to look though
too bad it was after she died
maybe it's inside her
buried somewhere deep
But she has yet to find it
Yeah she has yet to find it
Monday, June 15, 2015
Just a Poem, 1
Walking through hot coals
Feet barely listening to nerves crisping
All smoke filled
It's that kind of a life
that kind of a day
not sure anymore
I need the key and the code
to better days and better states of mind
At least I have them to the better ways
but I still don't choose to use them
And I know it's all my fault that everything is salt
and desiccated and dry
a swatted fly's body on the concrete
cooking in the hot sun
fry an egg on my car hood
I won't know because I'm not here or there anymore
did you hear that I am not here anymore?
I might be in the newspaper
way in the back section
maybe I'll be there someday
someday soon I hope
I know, I know, I know
Everything burns and turns into ashes
everybody burns
walking through hot coals
Going through it, Part 1
FROM 05/12/2015
Right now I feel desolate. Emotionally barren. I do not want to reach out to the people closest to me because I do not want to burden them. In my head hateful thoughts abound. I silently lash out at my loved ones. I convince myself that the only reason they care about me is for their own benefit. That I really mean nothing to them in the long run. They will all get over it (my suicide) in the end. Maybe it will haunt them for a while, but ultimately, they will find other friends and other people and happiness that will obscure any sign that I existed. I will be a faded memory, only in photographs, and eventually those will all rot and disappear, just like me. I feel irrelevant and angry at myself for being so down. For wasting my life and my time. It is that anger that fuels the suicidal thoughts. I cannot let myself just breath and accept that I'm going through a rough period. It all feels so hopeless right now.
For the past two weeks I have stayed up almost every night until 1-2 AM facebook and instagram stalking my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends. He likes their photos and I feel crushed. I convince myself he is settling with me, and would be much happier with the girl he once fucked who is an applied physics graduate student and is in a band and takes care of her appearance. So what if she is vain and shallow and posts selfies on instagram every 5 minutes? Isn't that what he wants? Someone who worships him and themselves so they can enjoy showing the world how awesome they are? Isn't that what he really wants in the end? Accolades so he can feel good about himself? Is there anything more to him liking me other than I do things that are perceived as cool (rock climbing) I'm not completely foul looking, I'm a source of physical pleasure (although lately I'm not convinced that even that is true) I listen to him and like him, and that I am a body to warm his bed at night and arm candy? Does he just like ugly older girls? (well, except for _________. She's blonde haired and blue eyed and the perfect Aryan specimen. Woohoo.)
I feel raw. I want him to come rescue me, but I don't think he is equipped to handle this shit. So I ignore him. I don't want to admit I am mired in the deep end feeling like I have no life line to pull myself out. I feel completely and utterly alone, even though I know I am not. I am choosing to be, and it is not working.
Well there goes my lunch break. I was going to apply for jobs but I decided to write instead. Don't know if that was a smart decision, but I did it. Now it's off to the rat races again. I feel like a rat. A dirty, mangy, unloved rat. I hate myself right now, and I am having a hard time convincing myself otherwise. It's a spiral and it's hard to get out of. I have to go. Appear useful.I know I need to try, but I have no will power to.
I Fired Myself Today
05/11/2015
Today I quit my job.
Well, I gave my notice, I guess that's different. I don't have another one lined up. Call me crazy, but I feel like I have never done a saner thing in my life. I cannot count the number of times (I'm not being histrionic, now, I really cannot give you a number- it might be under 100...maybe?) that I thought to myself,
"I am so profoundly unhappy."
That's not good.
I knew in the interview that this job wasn't for me, but I hadn't been working for months and I wanted to feel productive again. Tried as I might, I never could get into the subject matter. I am a worker that loves challenges. Projects with measurable outcomes. There I felt desolate, emotionally barren. Everyday was a struggle. I hated myself for not being happy with what I had. I wasn't moving forward, and I felt suffocated. My anxiety grew to the point that I felt it physically.
I was a car whose tires had no tread, slipping day after day off the road into the ditch.
I decided to jack the motherfucker.
So, I officially give up. Future employers reading this and deciding they don't want a whole, good but flawed human being? Fuck it. Saving Face? Nah, I'm good. I'm done trying to convey this public persona of strong-awesome-sexy-successful-twenty-something nubile genious over achiever. I'm fucking none of those things. Not all at once at least. No one is.
We are all broken.
We are all fucked up.
And we are all that much more beautiful for it.
Why? Because it makes us human.
I need to be myself. I am not a drone. I need to be engaged.
I am waving the white flag, and I do not feel sad.
Sometimes, fuck it is the most enlightened response (I read a version of that on my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends Instagram...things have been weird lately.)
Lately there's been a lot of shit swirling through my mind. I had thoughts of suicide today. No joke.
It's been a rough couple of weeks. I recently got the Paraguard, and my body is NOT liking it.
I'm pretty sure that my uterus has convinced my brain that I am permanently menstruating. This means that I've not only been feeling like a scene from "Alien" is taking place everyday in the lower half of my body, and I have been feeling extremely moody and anxious as of late. It does not feel good.
*I did have a terrible co-worker though, whose mission it was to aggravate and depress me. This person LITERALLY would not speak to me. Eve about work matters. It was insane. I was so pissed that at my age, I still had to deal with this 6th grade pre-pubescent ridiculous bullshit. I will never deny this, propriety be damned. If there is anything I have learned thus far, it's that the only way to win is to be courageous enough to be yourself. _ _ _ _ _ _, YOU SUCK. You know who you are, you fire-eating snake demon. I do not regret leaving you, nor your terrible demeanor. Thank you for not following me out the door when I leave you and your misery.
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